


The Way It Is

by VisionaryGalaxy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drabble, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s10e21 Dark Dynasty, Gen, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 03:59:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14947175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisionaryGalaxy/pseuds/VisionaryGalaxy
Summary: Sam always knew how to keep moving forward, but first he needs a minute to take in the guilt.





	The Way It Is

**Author's Note:**

> First Supernatural oriented fic. Really just a quick drabble from Sam's perspective. Let me know what you think :)

   Sam was exhausted.

   The smell of burning flesh filled his nose and through bleary eyes he desperately tried focus on the here and now instead of all the times that smell had invaded his senses. The now wasn’t much better, however, as he held his vigil. He starred unseeing at the pyre that held Charlie’s body as the sun slowly sank behind it.

   Sam hadn’t felt this way in a very long time. This horrible disconnected and desperate longing for it all to be a nightmare, or for someone, anyone to reassure him that he made the right decision. He figures that was why he had turned to Ruby and placed all his trust in her, she was the only one that reassured him that his purpose was right. Yet, here he was again, this time with the one person who deserved death least of all. Charlie had been one of the few who understood on another level how important it was to save Dean, because she loved him, and because she loved Sam.

   Maybe that was why Sam hadn’t even flinched at his brother’s words when he told Sam it should be him up there, because yes, he knows that. Sam would trade his life in a heartbeat for Charlie, the thought of a deal had been the first one to cross his mind when they found her body, only to be dismissed because Sam knew better now. He had to continue living this hateful life no matter how much he wanted to give it to another.

   There was a loud crack has part of the pyre crumpled inwards, a shower of sparks filling the air briefly. Something twisted in Sam’s stomach watching the orange flames so similar to Charlie’s hair, and he clenched his teeth in an attempt to hold his emotions at bay. He wasn’t sure where Dean was, but he knew better then to follow him right now, and besides Sam had long been in the habit of self-reflection once he made it out of the cage. He needed to face what he had done, had to mentally imprint Charlie’s name to the ever-growing list of people whose death he was responsible for, the guilt cataloged and added to the bottomless pit in his stomach.

   Sometimes, when Sam let himself think about it too closely he was absolutely terrified by what he was willing to do to save his brother, and even though it brought tears to his eyes and a sickening sense of wrong to his soul, Sam knew as he starred at Charlie’s body, he still wasn’t done.

   Sam was exhausted.


End file.
